Princess Nkem: My story

Its wednesday the 18^th of April 2012. I am home from an interesting 3 hours of lecture on Power and how its being used. I love my managerial leadership class. It makes me think of life and the path of my truth I have discovered and have willingly decided to walk on.

The ride on the bus home was an interesting one. I had this strong urge to write. I wanted to pick my phone up like I did the other day and just type away; in my own secluded world. I could not do that though because I was bothered I would loss track of time and miss my stop. It was just a 25 mins ride home. My brain on the other hand was multitasking on a serious debate on how much ability I have bottled inside of me. The love of music and dancing. The fact that I enjoy wanting to make others secured and protected. The joy of reading and analyzing on words and its effect on me. How better I can become if I understand this in my way of thoughts and not much of that of the writer.

I am a woman. A mother. A wife. I am a daughter. A sister and an aunt. All this identity I carry with me. Oh! By the way a soon to be an MBA graduate. Another stamp I get for paying someone to dig into my brain so I can understand what I already know much of. Labels are what I call them. To me, I am just human. Who is trying to understand what living is all about and other humans around me. Also, I have been given other labels. I have been called a thief, liar, slut, dumb, poor, illiterate, bitch, murderer and much more. I have never allowed any of those labels stick for too long. I have fought hard enough to ensure that I do not loss my sense of being me, the human I have now come to know too well.

I am not a Label, I am not “Normal” I am Human, a  Being of consciousness. 

Its 4.31 am on saturday May 5, 2012, the day I graduate with an MBA and yet my heart aches and I have missed feeling of both happiness and pain. I have my mother beside me and still I cry in silence because she can not help carry this burden for me anymore. The pain seem to be taking over and all I want to do is cry to ease this feeling. I am sad for every little child who is being told at this moment that he or she can not be what they want to be in life because of all the obstacle they face. Obstacles that has been placed there due to an environment they are born into; our so called civilization. I hurt for that child who is crying because they do not understand why they can not afford to eat a proper meal. A sick child that has no hope for a simple first aid medication. I feel sad because in my own ignorant way I have contributed to the pain of this child In so many ways. Ways that I was so sick to see and too blinded by greed to recon with. I was once this child in pain and I have grown to become the same monster I feared when I was there. I want so hard to stop this circle and be a form of hope and not pain.

Now I will say ways I have hurt that little child, and how I have allowed my greed to overcome my desire to make changes that I preach and do not practice. I am from a poor home that have had its own ups and downs and yet I have joined the ‘Elite’ and become so comfortable that I forget my past and look down upon who I once was. Not in direct ways but in my actions. Actions that enriched the wealthy that mostly think of the profit they can make and the generation of wealth they can acquire for their unborn. I claim I want to be rich to help the poor but I make mistakes and keep giving my self targets. I tell my self that when I get to a certain position I will embark on this massive crusade of change. I do not see the damage I am causing because I feel I am entitled to what I have achieved and not seeing that my positioning is suppose to humble me. I drown in my self pity and I am clouded by my so called ‘entitlement’. Every minute that becomes days and then years leaves a child behind for the consequences of my action. A child I once was and have sworn to deliver. The phrase “action speaks louder that words” is definitely what I have not learnt to be. Those few words are mightier than any cane that have wiped my back for ‘correction’ purposes. This words has made me cried more than I would have ever gotten from any other pain and trust me I have been through a few but not as much as the pain that little child is going through this very moment.

I counted my pairs of shoes one day and stopped at 60 pairs (did not finish for your information) and yet I can not wear more than a pair at a time. I opened my closet and I have not just a box of clothing but 2 bedrooms wardrobe filled with clothes in which some have not been worn in years and yet I was asking for hand downs once-upon-a-time – a child this very moment is naked and outside cold. In all this, I still worry and curse in pain that I have not gotten something else I want so I can feel good about my self. I am surrounded my ways I can be a blessing to that child but all I see is the struggle and excuses for not being able to act. I want to be ‘comfortable’ before I can be of help.

January 17, 2013 I continue this note. All I can say is act now!! Now is all that matters because now is all we are promised. Thats all I remind myself daily on this path of life I am blessed and privileged to walk. I in my own little way have started working on my self and reflecting on my ways. Opening my mind so as to be learn to be aware of my actions and be thankful for the moments. 

“We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food, and the rich walk miles to digest it.” Mufti Ismail Menk”

December 30, 2012 has become like another birthday for me. The day I walked into the salon and decided to cut my hair just so I can see the Me.

I have been procrastinating on this idea in my head since 2010 and just was not ready to face it. After an intense two days of emotion stress and anxiety I knew the time has come. I wanted to face Me.

The significance of cutting ones hair as I have seen in the media and other stories usually meant a cry for help but it was a cleansing processes for Me.

When the lady was done with getting rid of every strand of hair that has been retouched with chemical I looked in the mirror with my afro and all I could see was Me.

A picture of me when I was a child was all I saw. That little girl I so wanted to be. The innocence and purity I never got to be. The unadulterated beauty of Me.

I looked and I saw what my best friend saw in me. I beamed with smiles and knew I had to show him the result of my mission. I finally have met Me and Me is beautiful!

When I say Used or Loved I do not mean in the context of another using or loving you but yourself.

We have an amazing gift given to each and every one; the gift of choice. What we decided to do with that gift is what becomes of it outcome.

I use to be lost in my ways of thinking and living. I always felt that worldly achievements were all that mattered. What others have designed and associated with success and happiness. The normality of being accepted as part of a society I now question with every breath I take.

I did the school works. Tried the obedience stuff and devotion to protecting my family name. For a lot of reasons I was unaware of why I questioned it all. Mostly because my innocence was taken away from me at a tender age and I did not have an answer why I could not act like others and not get punished for it.

I lied, stole, was very promiscuous and of it all I rebelled against authority. I did this for 31years of my life.

I have now come to terms that all I did I did to myself and no one else. The pain and suffering. I used myself in ways I would never have imagined now but I was clueless and did not know any better.

Now I am happy and finally aware of the power I do have; Choice! The choice to be happy, loved and appreciated. To find that peace, I had to dig within me. All that we want we already have and have no knowledge of. When I found that peace within, I saw the beauty that lay not just within but in the Universe. My surroundings was beautiful and I was overwhelmed with so much Joy, Peace and Love. That which is hard to explain but best experienced.

Choose To Be!!

I have given a lot of excuse for not starting this blog. Its time I stop procrastinating and drop all the countless reasons I have given my self on not telling my story. I am not a professional writer so please excuse the grammatical errors you may encounter and I hope you get the message.

I am a survivor!!! A survivor of child abuse; both physical and emotional. It took me 31 years to finally face the truth and accept that I deserve to live a life of happiness. A life without anger and self hatred. A life that entails me empowering myself to be the best me I can be. A life of hope and appreciation of the simple joys of living.

It took me a very long time to come to realization that I was living a life of deceit; not to any other but myself. I tell myself I have dealt with my past and all I was doing was sinking deeper into my despair. I had walls of defenses so thick to drill through. I couldn’t see beyond the pain, anger, hatred and abuse. The best way to explain what I was doing is this. Imagine someone digging a hole and throwing you into it and instead of climbing up to get out, you work harder digging deeper and hoping that it would lead to another opening so you can get out, all because you do not want to face the same entrance that got you into the hole. Thats what I have been doing for this long but I am fortunate that I did not loss my life in the process of digging. I am opportune in this life and the best way to pay back is help others understand that its okay to climb out of that hole no matter how deep they feel they have sunk. All I can do is share my truth and how I came to terms to facing my past. I may not know what you are going through this very moment but the best you can be is YOU!. Its not going to be easy especially if all you have known in life is abuse and being what others or the society wants you to be. Its not been easy for me either but being me has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am learning all over again like a child. Trying to understand what being loved and happy is all about. Understanding that being angry at people trying to help me hurts me and no other. Understanding how to love myself and know that I am deserving.

Having someone there to talk to who genuinely wants to listen and stand by you while you experience the emotions and feelings you need to deal with is a great thing to have. They may not understand but they care. The emotions are yours and yours alone. Do not be angry at them if they do not react the way you wish them to; they may be in shock knowing that you have gone through this horror in the first place. As long as they are still there holding your hands or lending you their ears is good enough. They may not have the same life experience as you but they are willing to learn from yours and educate themselves of the reality beyond theirs.

This is the introduction to my life and I hope you are ready to read about my truth. I am not writing this to be pitied. I am hoping to enlighten the few who want to be educated about the truth and realization around them. I will discuss about my past and present. Some of the issues I would raise may not be for the faint hearted. A lot of my friends who will get to read this blog would be knowing this too for the first time about me but o well. A few piece I have written before and will insert at the appropriate time.

I will leave you with this.Loving oneself is not easy but ensuring that you work on loving you is the best thing you can do for You and the people around YOU!! Asking for help doesn’t make you weak. Means that you are strong enough to realize that you have a problem and it needs to be taken care of. I am walking that path of taking care of Me and loving Me. It feels amazing. I have an amazing daughter, lover and friends that reminds me each day that I am worth Loving!!! You may feel like you are in a situation that do not have a solution, reach out and ask for help. Hey, call me for help!! You may feel no one would ever understand your pain. Hey, call me, I will listen. You may feel guilty of what you have done and wonder why you did it in the first place. Hey, I have been there. Call me, I wont judge. I see the world differently. The joy of existing. The happiness in living. The peace within for helping out a stranger.